NOT A DADDY'S GIRL

How could I be a daddy's girl if Daddy wasn't in my world? So many of us have heard "Don't go looking for your father in a man!" numerous times as we have gotten older. Pssh! Nise Jones still tells me that until this day! And although we ignored it we have all dealt with a man that had similar characteristics as our fathers did. Meaning, that the man we pursued was constantly and consistently in and out of our lives for whatever reason. Why do we ignore what is being told to us and get upset when are experiencing the situation head on? It's natural, that's why. We are naturally stimulated by doing the opposite of what we are told, as we get older not so much, but at a younger age it would occur repeatedly. Let me remind you that what is seen in a household as a child can make an impact on your adult life and possibly be a reflection of an event or situation in your future life. We have seen our fathers continuously walk in and out of our lives, as well as our mothers life and have endured pain that came from his actions. We have all encountered one man who has been consistently in and out of our life. At some point during the relationship we have tolerated it because we have seen mommy do it, we love how good it feels to rejoice, or we love the significant other, etc. The problem we are facing is that we are ultimately accepting the fact that someone thinks it is ok to walk in and out of our lives. We accept and allow. Why? Love, lust, stupidity, fear, loneliness, the feeling of being wanted, the reasons can go on forever and a day, literally. I think that we fall in love with the idea that the person is always going to come back, just like we did when our fathers would return back into our lives, no matter how long he was there for.

-My father would disappear more than I noticed as a young girl. Every time he came back I wondered if and when he would be leaving again. When he would come back we would go out for candy, icy's, to buy sneakers if he didn't already bring me a pair, doing whatever he could to keep a smile on my face because he knew that smile wouldn't be there when he left again. It was almost like he was making up for the missed time but it worked, I didn't know any better. I vaguely remember one day my father and I were out on an adventure (because to kids everything was an adventure) and he introduced me to this lady who had long dreadlocks, brown smooth skin, maybe 5'4, had two bad ass kids and went by the name of Sharon. Now of course she was introduced to me as my "Aunty" but at that time I didn't know aunty was code word for girlfriend. I knew something wasn't right because I seen how close aunty and daddy would get when they thought no one was paying attention. But I kept it to myself. A few days passed and I overheard my mother saying to my father "My name is not Sharon!" and she threw him out of the house shortly after. Of course my mother never discussed what had just taken place with me but I was smart enough to know that daddy just called mommy "aunties" name and that didn't end well for any of us. Time went by, where's daddy? And then more time went by and still no sign of daddy. Then, one day, daddy calls and daddy tells his little girl, his baby girl, that he wouldn't be back for a little while and that he loves me no matter what. Over time I had seen my father less than I ever expected. There were times I had to meet him outside cause you know "Momma don't play that". Soon enough he moved and started a new family and left us (me) feeling neglected. Did he not love me? But of course he did I just knew he did but I didn't know why he left us. Who was supposed to do all the father and daughter activities with me? I thought. Who would I run to when mommy said no or if I wanted something to go my way?- Who was suppose to show me how a man should treat a women? Who was supposed to show me the definition of a man and how a man is supposed to protect and provide? When my father did come back to visit me it as the most unexplainable feeling in the world and when he left it was the most devastating, it broke me. And as I grew up I noticed how I was broken.

So of course "Don't go looking for your father in a man" (in our circumstance) meant do not, by any means, look for a man who has similar qualities and characteristics as your father. Our mothers would always tell us don't settle for what she settled for and would (will) go above and beyond to make sure that we don't experience the same hurt and mistakes that she did. When you lack a father figure in your life to show you how a man is supposed to treat you or how to be loved by a good man with flaws can be very difficult when you are maturing into a young lady. It can make your dating life unhealthy and toxic. Fathers have to be careful and considerate when it comes to fathering your child and being in their life to teach them these life long lessons. Considering the damage that can be done to them and their daughters later in their life. Consider how would you feel if your daughter is getting dogged how you are dogging women. Do you see the chain reaction? Every cause has an effect. It hurts and brings pain when he leaves but its sensational when he comes back. LADIES! Remember that you are not obligated to settle for the pity joy every time he decides to come back into your life. We have all and or will be a doormat in our lives. Don't settle for less! DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS. I can tell you not to settle for less 1,000 times and it wouldn't have any effect on you, the men you come across, or the men you like to date. Only you can tell yourself not to settle and do better. As I said earlier, we are naturally stimulated by doing the opposite than we are told. Mothers- Granted relationships don't always work out between you and the father of your child. Nonetheless, you do not want your daughter to experience what your mother, sister, aunt, and maybe even you may have experienced. These young women, our daughters, sisters, friends, we all need to know and understand the presence of a father figure in our lives. Whether it be our father, uncle, brother, cousin, someone has to teach these young women the definition of a man. Everything is better said than done. It's about what you put your effort into.