Men and women often have difficulties understanding one another. Words can be taken the wrong way and the tone of your voice can emphasize a small situation. You know what they say, "It's not what you say; it's how you say it." Understanding goes a long way when you are in a relationship. It's a major key besides loyalty and trust. Without these three necessities, what do you really have? First things first, you have to have an understanding of what one another desires in the relation or relationship. Is it a lust-ship? Is it serious? Are you trying to build? Is it a "hit it and quit it"? Is it you do you, I do me, we do each other? Is it even going to go beyond text messages? Carrying on, I have put together five different questions that I believe should be clarified before you get intimate with anyone. I am not saying ask these questions on the first date or the first time you hang out with the person but I do think you should know before it gets any more serious than it is. I asked twenty people these five questions. I attached two guys and two women to each question. Some responses are lengthy while others are simple but nonetheless everyone's response is extremely important to me and it structures this blog beyond understanding.
QUESTION #1: What do you want in a relationship?
Boy: In a relationship I want consistency, loyalty, trust, compromise, communication, love, happiness. Someone I can talk about any and everything with, someone who accepts me and understands me for the person I am and isn't trying to change me into someone else. A person who isn't afraid to show me who they are; good or bad. I want someone who is levelheaded, goal driven, and who takes time to not only hear what I am saying but who listens too. Show me off, build me up, motivate me, support not just my goals but my dreams as well.
Girl: I want to be physically attracted, I want to see you and want you. No sexual limits, licking toes and all of that loll. Public affection; kissing and holding hands. Honesty in every way, even if it hurts. Our families have to get along. Shit, you got to smoke and drink like me loll, well sometimes. Got to have similar likes and dislikes. We can have intelligent debates that don't get personal. Be my place of peace. Can't be fat and have good teeth. Be ambitious but not in every nigga face...this is my new kind of ambitious...the set goals for yourself type. Don't be a whore. Have some type of belief system just not in white Jesus!
Boy: I would want someone that is loyal and honest. Someone that I can depend on when things aren't right. A backbone ..when I am down, lift me up. A best friend that I can share just about anything with.
Girl: Respect, security, stability, financial security, honesty, support, positivity, sense of humor, trust, open minded about new things, and communication of course!
QUESTION #2: Do you think lying to someone is protecting them or misleading them? Do you believe someone can still be loyal and trustworthy if they believe lying to someone is protecting them?
Boy: Not telling the truth is misleading, I would never agree with that.
Girl: I do not believe that lying is protecting someone. It is just making it easy on a person to be dishonest and if you really care about that person you would trust them with the truth or at least want them to be aware of it. It's worse getting caught out in these streets looking stupid. That person would believe you're loyal because they don't know the whole truth but in actuality you are only loyal to a certain extent. I'm the type of person that would always rather know than not know because it's quicker and easier just in case you got to go through pain you can just get it over with.
Boy: Well lying to someone would be just wrong in general. I feel like if you're lying it is because you're scared but also it depends on what you're lying about. Now if you're talking about your significant other then it's absolutely wrong. How are you protecting somebody by lying? I feel like it would be worse if you lie thinking you are protecting them.
D(ME): I think that lying to someone is ultimately wrong. I mean put yourself in the other person's shoes. Would you want to be lied to? Lying is breaking trust, if I cant trust you to tell me the truth whether it can jeopardize our relationship or not then I can't be in a relationship with you. Tell me the truth, give me the option to want to stay and work it out with you. DO NOT DECIDE FOR ME or for anyone in that matter. Anyone that thinks lying is protecting someone needs to reevaluate their character because you're only diminishing a person.
QUESTION #3: What do you enjoy or want when it comes to romances? Do big things excite you? Or is it the small gestures that melt your heart?
Girl: Little things matter the most to me like forehead kisses, calls and texts throughout the day, jus to see how I am doing. Random touches and feels next to one another. Gifts don't mean that much to me, a person's time and attention goes a long way.
Boy: What romances me? I like when females show true interest in the things that I care about. I take interest and learn what you like and I just expect that in return. I'm big on that.
Girl: I think that big things matter but I think big things come later in the relationship. I love little things like mentioning me to your mom or grandma, telling your friends about me. Let's be real, people don't tell their friends or family about a relationship unless they're really feeling them. Making sure I'm straight is another small gesture that melts my heart. Like, if you see my nails are chipped or hair is messy or the fridge is empty and you take it upon yourself to support me if I am lacking. Wake me up at 4AM cause my scarf came off and you want to see my edges do well. (LMAO I CRIED AT THIS). Price and size doesn't matter, the thought does.
Boy: I like when women show interest in what I like, don't like, and reassuring that everything is good with me. Show you appreciate the little things I do for you, build me up when I'm not 100%. Enjoying each others undivided attention and celebrating one another's success.
QUESTION #4: Are you capable of building someone up and or building with someone in general? Especially when things get rough? Or do you split and leave?
Girl: To be honest when it comes to relationships, I am sadly one foot in, one foot out.
whenever things get rough or small arguments occur, I am quick to say "It's done!" Capable of building? Yes. But I am always ready to call it quits.
Boy: I'm a man, my main hob is to provide security, bottom line. In time of need, I will be there. Times get rough, same thing. No matter what life throws a my partner and I, my job is to be there whether I have to contribute or not. Sometimes that one tangible thing that counts the most and needed is moral support. Cowards run and leave, I'm not that. Through the good and bad times we going to push!
Girl: I'm capable of building someone up and sticking by them through the rough times. I just don't like to feel unappreciated. Don't make me feel like this is all for nothing. I've literally built someone up in the past and got shitted on in the end.
Boy: Yeah, I mean if you building with someone its not going to be sweet 24/7. If shit is real, depending on what the situation is, you're supposed to make certain sacrifices for each other. Everything is supposed to be compromised or selfless. When you get with someone it's learning how to live with each other on good and bad days. Get to see each other at their worst. If someone can't handle the pressure of a rough patch they weren't really there for you to begin with but maybe just the thought of you. But it all depends on the situation of course, but definitely working through it for sure.
QUESTION #5: In an argument, things get heated of course. Words are thrown, emotions are spiraling, and everything is out of control. Did you at any point try to understand your mate?
Boy: I mean honestly, it's not good to speak when you're both angry. I rather speak when we calm down and get the truth about everything. Put it all on the table so we can both get our point across. You have to know what you're willing to except.
Girl: When I am in a heated argument with my spouse, thing tend to escalate. I am always the one trying to defuse the situation at hand or I just walk off. I know the other person isn't thinking and whatever is said or done from an ignorant state of mind. Despite the point of the argument I disagree with the lack of control one tends to have.
Boy: In heated arguments I think understanding the other person is the right thing to do and they should understand you too. Understanding where the other person is coming from is the most important.
Girl: I always try to look at things from both ends and try to be understanding. In heated arguments I tend to always hit where it hurts to try and make them feel the same pain I am. In the midst of things you have to understand everyone doesn't think the same. If I didn't understand the argument I would listen, observe, and try to look at things from that persons point of view.
Understanding and knowing what the other person desires and takes interest in is very important. These days people start relations without acknowledging anything about the other person. I am not saying these five questions should be asked on a first date but I think that some, if not all, should be clarified before things go any further. You should want to know what one another wants in a relationship as far what one wants, if you can build one another up, what romances one another, how arguments can affect the relationship, and there should be no question about one another's loyalty. People claim that they want a perfect relationship but aren't showing full interest in the other person and by that time the person you like will be in a relationship with someone else because you were unsure of what you wanted. That's why I believe that it is very important to KNOW certain things before feelings you get too involved. The reason I asked twenty different people these questions is to get an understanding of what women and men desire in the opposite sex and when it comes to relationships. I wanted to get people thinking of what they REALLY want and hopefully they can express it to their partner. Communication goes a long way so speak up and make things clear.
Thank you to everyone that took the time out to answer these questions for me, it is very much appreciated. Hopefully, the questions and responses start conversation amongst readers and they feel open to expressing themselves!
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